Category Archives: Motherhood

And the ones that mother gives you don’t do anything at all

Declan scraped his leg and foot about three different times on Saturday, while trying to keep up with his turbo-cleaning parents. When he does something like bonk himself on the elbow, he’ll run to me, say “smooch it!” and go on about the day. But when blood is involved, he bites his lip and runs away, not wanting me to touch it, let alone clean or bandage it.

I struggled to get him into the bathtub that evening, a place he’s usually happy to visit. He gazed at the water lovingly, but resisted. “I don’t want a bath,” he told me repeatedly. After a while, he confessed the reason: “My foot still hurts.”

Looking at the small mix of blood and mud on his leg, I knew I had to get him into the tub.

“A bath can make your foot feel so much better,” I told him. It might sting a little bit when you get in, but in a few minutes, it won’t hurt as much.”

After more negotiation and a bit of pleading on my part, he opted to take my word for it. He stepped in, blinked his eyes a couple of times, then proceeded to enjoy his bath, as usual.

When I asked him how his scrapes felt a few minutes later, he surprised me with “you told the truth, mommy. You said it would sting a little bit and then it would feel better.”

“Is that what happened?” I asked him.

He nodded. “It feels better.”

I believe in the power of telling kids the truth. Not everyone agrees with me.

In a few days, a placebo pill for children will be available online. Named “Obecalp” (get it?), it’s apparently “designed to have the texture and taste of actual medicine so it will trick kids into thinking that they’re taking something.”

The product strikes me as insane. I know a few too many people who have looked at pills as a pat solution to ailments, and that approach only mired them in deeper problems. No matter how miraculous the cure that some pills offer may feel, pills are scientific, not magical things that you consume blindly. And outside of an infection or certain other temporary conditions, they shouldn’t be seen as a solitary answer to any condition. In my perfect world, there would be nutritional advice with every diagnosis, as well as advice on fitness, or any other relevant lifestyle habit. In my mind, a child with hypochondria probably has deeper emotional needs or problems (or is scarred by parents who choose to do things like LIE TO THEM ABOUT PILLS).

Granted, I am a person who could barely sit through the movie Life is Beautiful because the premise that the loving thing to do for a Jewish child in Nazi Germany was to lie about what’s really happening positively drove me up the wall. I don’t think lying is part and parcel of parenting. There are truths I have definitely sidestepped with Declan because I don’t think it’s necessary or wise to impart life’s harsh realities to a toddler, but I can’t imagine calculating the best way to lie to him convincingly. Besides, once they’re old enough to realize that they don’t actually disappear when they cover their own face with a blanket, children aren’t so easily duped.

What’s your take on this? Am I overlooking an instance where a placebo could be ethically used to help a child?

P.S. There was a good commentary on NPR by a doctor who is opposed to the product.

Dreams of a mother

I don’t remember how old I was when I wore it, but it stayed in my shirt drawer long after it fit. My mother did work with other women that felt important. It stood for something. This shirt showed that I stood for something too:
She told me that she hoped that what she was doing would mean that I would grow up in a different kind of world than she had, one where what I had to offer would be welcomed and appreciated, not dismissed on account of my gender. Throughout my childhood, she did work in support of that dream. She even went to Mexico City in 1975 to help draft a plan of action for the women of the world.
When I was six years old, I adopted her maiden name as one of my own (Zollinger) – my first feminist act.

Our world is by no means yet a utopia. There are challenges that my mother’s 30-something self couldn’t have imagined. But this world is different, and better, because of her.

I also dream of a world different from this one for my own son. One that truly values his tenderness, compassion, kindness, generosity and patience. One that treasures his humanity so deeply that no one would dream of calling on him for violence.

Today, the Momocrats have drawn our attention to the original Mother’s Day Proclamation, penned by Julia Ward Howe after the Civil War. I can’t think of a better spirit for this holiday:

Arise, then, women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts,
Whether our baptism be of water or of tears!

Say firmly:
“We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country, will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs.”

From the bosom of the devastated Earth a voice goes up with our own.
It says: “Disarm! Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance of justice.”
Blood does not wipe out dishonor, nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil at the summons of war,
Let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel.

Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace. …

MOMocrats: Dreams of a Mother

Happy Mother’s Day to my precious mom and yours.

A boy’s sweet dream

Early this morning, Declan woke up with a giant smile on his face.

“I had the most wonderful dream” he said, with enough wonder in his voice that you’d think he’d just emerged from the rabbit hole. His eyes were still half-closed.

I leaned over him and stroked his hair.

“Really? What did you dream about, sweetie?” I asked.

“I dreamed that daddy was a little kid too.”

Pick your cliche about a mother’s heart, and what I felt in that moment would apply. His dream was so pure, so dear.

After he fell back asleep, his tiny snores erupted into sporadic giggles. Kid daddy must have been a lot of fun.

New mantras from our mini professor

“Eat your colors today.”

I’m not sure if this taken from pro-fruit and veggie spots on Sesame Street or what. He’s been asking for foods on the basis of their color for a couple of weeks now, while also pointing out colors in accordance with the planets, such as “look at that blue Neptune car, mommy.”

“They go in and ouch.”

Said while giving a mini-lecture on the disappearance of Saturn’s rings, and something about asteroids.

My hair donation

There is something about having long, almost-to-your-waist hair that is a little like being pregnant. For some friends and strangers, the mere fact that it is there creates an irresistible invitation for them to invade your personal space. Like a protruding baby belly, they touch it without warning, admire it for whatever it represents to them. With a few exceptions, I’ve never minded this much. And for at least the last 10 years, it’s been a fact of my life.

A few months before I got pregnant in 2004, I was entertaining the idea of a master’s degree, and took a graduate class in folklore. We learned about ethnographic interviewing methods and the ethical issues inherent in studying people this way before setting out to work on our own projects. Others in the class interviewed homeless squatters, formulated ways to map out research they had done about the nature of the tourism trade in Egypt or examined century-old Irish folk tale chapbooks.

I chose to think about long hair.

I did preliminary research on what it can symbolize, what its value can be, how it’s perceived by others. There have been moments in the world’s history when a woman’s hair has been her family’s most valuable asset. It can have religious implications, as it does for the Amish – from birth, a woman’s hair is never cut, always swirled into an efficient bun and kept under cover. It can make people assume you are vegetarian (really!), a fan of particular music or nostalgic for an era you never actually experienced.

But most striking to me was the attachment to hair as a marker of time, as an organic map of life experience. We can chart our lives with every inch.

I looked at the ends of my hair last night. They landed about halfway between the base of my shoulder blades and my waist, so it was easy to pull them in front of my face. This hair was with me when I still had one living grandmother left. It was there when Dan and I stood on the high cliffs of Santorini looking into the caldera and I thought that the altitude and unfenced roads were making me nauseous, not realizing that I was about three weeks into the journey of pregnancy.

I could come up with memories that made me want to hold onto these few inches always, and others that made me want to banish them completely.

But then I think about what they can mean to a child without hair, who has Alopecia or is undergoing chemotherapy for Cancer, and I wonder why I haven’t done this sooner. In recent months, I’ve read words by brave souls on various blogs – parents with cancer, parents of children with cancer – and I am awed by their strength in times of suffering, their willingness to have faith in people, to share themselves so candidly. In the face of those things, this donation doesn’t feel like much.

If I could, with my few inches of hair, I would also donate the warmth of the Grecian sunlight that touched it, the overwhelming feeling of health and well-being that I enjoyed during my second trimester of pregnancy and the joy of hearing my baby son’s hysterical laughter when I’ve enveloped him in the cave of my hair and dragged the ends over his face and belly.

That is the wish I have sent with these few inches, anyway.

I went to Gina’s in Grandview, where they do a lot of Locks of Love donations. My stylist, John, was a really lovely person who seemed genuinely excited to lighten my load and make me feel pretty. Afterwards, we went to the extra swollen Griggs Reservoir so that Dan could take pictures of me that make me look like a country and western singer. (This is the calling I missed, people.)

I gave 12 inches of my hair, which is supposed to be enough to help make long-haired wigs for little girls, and there was more than I expected left over for me. Declan watched the ponytail come off. I wanted him to see it happen so that he wouldn’t be scared by a different-looking mommy.

It’s not nearly as dramatic (or traumatic) as I imagined it might be. I feel great.
And I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Take a look at some of Locks of Love’s other donors. Don’t you love that 80 percent of them are children?

Random thoughts for a weekend

It wasn’t that intense of a week, though it felt like it was. I’ve been working on some of my regular work, on finding some work and on a new blog.

I’ve also been feeling reflective about Arthur C. Clarke’s return to stardust as well as the advances we’re making when it comes to finding signs of life outside of our solar system. It makes you think we really meet intelligent E.T. within 20 years, as some astronomers predict, the same way U.S. women got the right to vote 14 years after the cause’s longest living champion died. If that’s so, we need Star Trek now more than ever. And Declan needs language classes.

I’ve also read a lot of great stuff online this week.

Today, Ask Moxie had an extremely helpful guest post about toddler discipline. Their seminars seem too pricey, but I’ve subscribed to the Proactive Parenting newsletter.

Lastly, if you’re gearing up for Easter’s sugar, here you can watch a bunch of strange videos that feature Peeps.

Have a happy weekend.

Born in the bulge (or bull-dge)

“Mommy, I was born in the bulge of the Milky Way.”

Declan has been telling me this at random intervals for two or three months now.

Because human anatomy has become one of his secondary interests, after astronomy, he likes to snuggle up to my belly and talk about being born. And since he’s had a proclivity for saying things that make him seem like the great mystic baby from the distant planet of Zog for as long as he could speak, I chalked it up to some verbal conflation of bulging bellies and the latest galaxy wisdom from our bevy of space documentaries. (Oddly, as I was writing this, he was watching Unfolding Universe, his very first favorite space show, and we just took a computer-generated flight through the Milky Way’s “bulge” so there you have it.)

Yesterday, moment after waking, he thrust a book about constellations into my hands.

“We’re having a book about stars now,” he commanded.

I complied.

We got to Taurus, his birth sign, and he pointed at it between the eyes.

“I was born in the bulge,” he told me again. “See? It’s the bulge, where I belong.”

I used to think I knew where babies came from. I’m not so sure anymore.

And speaking of birthdays, happy 129th to the spirit of this person:

Also, to the considerably younger father of mine, as well as my dearest childhood friend, all born on this important (in my universe) day of the fishes.

What’s funny?

I laughed at something or other I read online yesterday — some sarcastic line or political joke or wry comment — and Declan came running across the room.

“What’s funny, mommy? What’s funny?”

It wasn’t really anything I could explain to him. I told him that I just read something that made me laugh.

“But what was it, mommy?” He touched my knee and tilted his head to the side, looking me straight in the eye. I generally try to respond to any question he asks, so he’s used to an answer.

It made me think of the lifetime of small moments like this that I have behind me — the innumerable times that I did not want to miss the joke. The times I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to snuggle into the warmth of belonging you feel when you are laughing with someone else, into the safety of understanding the same thing together.

Every day, our level of conversation takes another step forward, as does his sense of independence. Like today, when he wanted to bring his starry comforter upstairs from the basement by himself.

“I can do it. I’m a very strong boy,” he told me, just like that, wrestling the thing up the steps. I didn’t stop him. I just maneuvered into a place where I thought I could catch him if he lost his balance.

He is still only two. Remarkable and hilarious and irrational and affectionate and cupcake-crazy two. For now, the answer to “what’s funny” can still be diverted with ease, no explanations necessary.

“It’s funny to have such a funny little boy,” I told him, and tickled him to the edge of wild giggles. “It’s funny and fun.”

Cheese for the snow

Declan and his dad went out on dog poop patrol this morning, since the snow has finally begun to melt away. He was rocking the cute in last summer’s hat, so I pulled out my camera to snap a few pictures.

“Cheese for the snow,” he said.

This week, he started snatching the camera from me, wanting to take his own pictures (like his first self-portrait). He was particularly assertive about his desire to do this today, so I let him document our deck for a few moments.

I may be speaking more as mommy here than art reviewer, but I think that his two-year-old sense of composition is pretty amazing:

If I get the digital SLR I’ve been dreaming of this year, maybe I’ll just give him my camera.

Declan, hearts, preschool

Mountains of pink Play-Doh and heart-shaped cookie cutters filled an entire table in the classroom. It was Valentine’s Day.

Eyes bright, Declan went straight to the mound, tore off a small clump and rolled it into a ballish shape. He took his creation to a neighboring table, which was strewn with blocks. After carefully placing five or six of them on end like a miniature skyline, he gingerly set the pink tadpole on the tallest one. Then he went back to the other table, grabbed another clump, rolled it in his palm and set it on top of the next block. He did the same thing to another, then the next one, until his city was adequately crowned with squashy spheres of pink goop.

One of the teachers, who had been helping a student rinse purple paint off of her forearms and hands, did a slight double take when she saw what Declan was doing. She smiled.

“What are you making?” She asked him.

“Planets!” He told her. She smiled again and leaned in to examine his creation more carefully.

Where I half-expected admonishment that Play-Doh and blocks had to be kept separate, instead I found curiosity about, and respect for, Declan’s mind.

The operative word in the classroom seemed to be “yes.” And when it wasn’t, there were conversations about choices and consequences, not lectures. Kids simultaneously experimented in a sandbox, rode an indoor swing, sprinkled glitter onto heart-shaped construction paper. One girl toured the room in a princess costume. Moments later, she paraded through as a fuzzy brown bear. Declan made his way through the classroom and joined in as many things as he could find to do.

“That was a nice day for Declan,” he told me after we left.

A couple of people with older children told us that they had yet to match the consistently positive educational experience they found in this place. It’s not convenient to our home, but the simple lovingness toward children that I witnessed there told me that it will be worth the drive.

I was so relieved to find out today that there will be room for him in the fall.